Did you hear? Your summer vacation plans for the next decade have been set, as it was announced today that Sports Illustrated plans to build a vacation resort in D’Iberville, Mississippi.
Why on earth would Sports Illustrated build a resort in Mississippi, or anywhere else, for that matter? is a question that may have just crossed your mind. To which I say: What’s your problem, man? Oh what, you think a legacy sports publication that’s been struggling to stay afloat for a few years now should find better ways to spend its money and cachet than on a vaguely sports complex project that will cost $410 million to to build ? What kind of entrepreneurship is this? Have you ever tried to disrupt and innovate in the experiential hospitality industry? And don’t you dare to ask, OK, okay, even if they build this thing, who the hell is going to pay to be there? because the answer to that question is obvious: the millions of rabid Sports Illustrated fans that populate this country.
As someone who occasionally reads articles on SI.com for as many minutes as it takes for the layout and advertisements to heat my laptop to a truly dangerous temperature, I consider myself a member of this base dedicated fans. As such, I’d hate to see Sports Illustrated waste this incredible business idea by simply slapping its name on some sort of generic resort experience. I can ride a zipline and parasail in any fucking resort in the country, but what would get me down to D’Iberville, Miss., every summer until the day I perish is a unique experience specially designed for hardcore Sports Illustrated fans. With that in mind, I have some friendly suggestions regarding what should be featured at this resort.
- Resort staff must keep guests completely immersed in the Sports Illustrated experience at all times. This means that whenever a customer is anywhere on the resort grounds, at least four staff members must display a series of rotating advertisements in front of the customer’s face. It’s everything you love about reading Sports Illustratedbut in the real world!
- Each station restaurant should have two locations. One location will be run by a team of professional cooks and staff, and the other will be run by a collection of amateur morons who have no idea what they’re doing. Customers will have no idea whether they are eating at the professionally run restaurant or the inexpensive facsimile, bringing the SI experience to life.
- An interactive experience called Can you be an NFL insider? which will allow guests to experience the thrill of being a top notch NFL reporter. Participating guests will be placed in a room for 30 minutes and will receive a text message from an NFL agent every five minutes. Guests will then compete to see who can copy and paste the agent’s text message, type “Sources tell me” in front of it, and then tweet it all out the fastest. Whoever sends the most tweets the fastest becomes the NFL Insider Of The Day!
- Rick Reilly meet and greet! (This will be for older customers who certainly don’t know that Rick Reilly no longer works for SI. Reilly isn’t doing much these days, so he should be available.)
- An interactive experience called The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Empowerment Corner. Placed in each corner of the station, a professional bikini model will stand on a small pedestal, so wherever customers go, they will feel empowered by the presence of these models.
- A rotating collection of some of Sports Illustrated most iconic sports photographs. These are honestly really nice to look at.
I think we can all agree that this complex will be a “home run” as long as all my ideas are implemented. I can’t wait to see all my fellow SI-heads in Mississippi!