Scott Morrison invents his own polygraph test

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Scott Morrison is getting into small business while serving as Prime Minister.

MORRISON: I called you here today to explain to you what I did outside of my parliamentary duties.

Our great Australian way is to accomplish more than one thing. Yes, more than one thing at a time. We are a nation of small business people. My current distaste for anything French has prevented me from using a certain word.

Fortunately, I remember that my very good friend, George W. Bush, pointed out something that he finds very disappointing about the French, which is that they have no word for entrepreneur. This allows me to say that Australians are a nation of entrepreneurs.

In our great Australian entrepreneurial tradition, I have created my own business and my own product. The “Morrison Polygraph”; the lie detector test impossible to fail.

How good is it! We have created a circuit that reverses the sequence. It guarantees a pass for all basic matters like your name, marital status, parents’ names, etc. Any tricky questions, it will consider you a tick for telling the truth. Easy questions, such as your favorite movie, color, and group. You will get an occasional negative result. This will add to the veracity of the test.

Like all good emerging businesses, I created an exciting promotional video, incorporating recommendations from some of my very close famous friends.

Morrison walks over to the computer on the desk next to him, presses Enter, and an image appears on the screen behind him. He moves to his right.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Mr. President. Did you get into a rumpy pumpy, nooky nooky, slap and tickle, jig a jig, fight with Monica Lewinsky?

PRESIDENT CLINTON: I haven’t had sex with this woman.

The interrogator turns to the polygraph operator.

OPERATOR: The machine registers what is true.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is connected to the Morrison polygraph.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Mr. Putin, do you have anything to do with the poisoning of opposition leader Alexei Navalny in 2020.

POUTINE: Me? Certainly not. I was as surprised as you were when I heard how sick he was. I thought it must have been a serious case of food poisoning from rancid airplane food.

Questioner looks at the operator.

OPERATOR: [Nods] He tells the truth, goes through the machine.

Now President Joe Biden is hooked up to the Morrison polygraph.

QUESTIONING: Mr. President. Did you fart when you met Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall at COP26 in Glasgow?

PRESIDENT BIDEN: No. Of course not. I went there to reduce, rather than increase, emissions.

OPERATOR: Machine says he’s telling the truth.

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The next person who wired Morrison’s polygraph test is Donald Trump.

QUESTIONNAIRE: President Trump. Have you ever cheated on golf?

TRUMP: Me? Never! I am probably the greatest golfer of all time. I don’t need to cheat.

OPERATOR: The machine says it’s true.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Have you ever cheated on someone in your business dealings?

TRUMP: Of course not! You may have heard from my lawyer.

OPERATOR: He’s telling the truth.

Morrison stops the video.

MORRISON: Now for a local entry.

It restarts the video. Barnaby Joyce is connected to the Morrison polygraph.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Deputy Prime Minister, Have you ever been drunk in the House of Representatives?

JOYCE: You’re more likely to extract water from East Australian farming in Queensland than to ever see me drunk at home.

OPERATOR: The machine gives the truth.

Morrison shuts down his computer.

MORRISON; I think it’s fair that I log into the Morrison Polygraph machine and answer a series of questions.

The operator wires the Prime Minister to the machine and nods when it’s ready to go.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Prime Minister. What is your name?

MORRISON: Scott Morrison; affectionately known as ScoMo.

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The operator nods in affirmation.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Was Australia leading the queue to receive COVID vaccines?

MORRISON: Of course we were, otherwise I wouldn’t have said we were.

OPERATOR: The machine says it’s true.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Were you serious when you promised that a federal ICAC would be established during your first term?

MORRISSON: Yes. Very serious. Without COVID, we would have already established one.

The operator looks at the machine and nods.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Have you ever used the term “Shanghai Sam”?

MORRISON: It was only in denying that I used that expression.

OPERATOR: The machine says it does.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Did you lie to French President Emmanuel Macron about the submarine contract?

MORRISON: Of course not.

OPERATOR: Yes. That’s right.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Were you as surprised as your parliamentary colleagues when the party elected you leader, and therefore Prime Minister.

MORRISON: You could have sat me in my chair as easily as President Tony Smith often did when I heard the news.

OPERATOR: He’s telling the truth.

QUESTIONNAIRE: One last question. Are you holding a pipe?

MORRISON; I told you I wasn’t holding a pipe.

OPERATOR: [Looks at the machine] No that’s not true. The machine registers what is a lie. You hold a pipe.

QUESTIONNAIRE: Well, Prime Minister. Why is the machine recording your answer as a lie?

MORRISON: Well, uh, I guess I hold a hose every now and then when I water the garden and the lawn.

Morrison pulls away from the wires of the machine.

MORRISON: Well, there you go. The Morrison Polygraph. Every politician’s best friend. Not expensive at twice the price. Battery operated and carbon neutral. Also excellent for home use.

Rocky Dabscheck is a musician / songwriter and frontman of Rocky and The Two Bob Millionaires. He is also the author of “Stoney Broke and the Hi-Spenders”.

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